Work E-Mail

I was having a spring clean of the "sent items" box, and found this: it needed a little reformatting.

The Original Mail:

Good Morning!!
It is not provided on init form. Can you please confirm with the EE whether he is married or single?
Thanks, Savita.

My Reaction:

Oh, the potential responses.

Version 1
Dear Savita,
Thank you for your request for clarification. I was not aware that EMR required that level of detail to set up a cost management record, so let's be exhaustive and try to provide you with as much as possible.

Mr R. remains a confirmed batchelor, although his mother hopes that this is just a phase he's going through and he'll one day Meet The Right Girl. He wears a size eleven shoe, parts his hair on the left, dresses to the right and votes based on issues rather than party affiliation or personality. He doesn't take sugar in his tea and prefers to avoid caffienated beverages where possible, but like so many of us he just can't seem to get started in the morning without at least one cup of coffee. He prefers Columbian, and whole milk. He stirs anti-clockwise, although when at home in Australia this is, of course, clockwise due to coriolis force.

Mr. R. enjoys the challenge of crosswords and has a fondness for the works of John Le Carre, the famous author of spy thrillers. He loves Christmas, which we all find very endearing in a man of his stature, having taken to heart the lesson of Dicken's "A Christmas Carol" at a very early age. His favourite colour is duck-egg blue - which may be one of those peculiar decorating misnomers because I can tell you, I've studied duck eggs and one thing they aren't is blue - and he has a fondness for soft furnishings that is quite at odds with his engineering background. One might assume that he loves comfort, but in other parts of his life he's quite austere. His kitchen is particularly spartan, mostly stainless steel with only the odd wooden container to soften the impact of all that metal and recessed track lighting.

Version 2
Dear Savita,

We do not speak of Mr. R. The emotional scars are still too fresh.

Version 3
Dear Savita,

We contact Mr. R. to recover the information you requested but his response was in Australian language. We're awaiting a translation.

Version 4
Dear Savita,

Mr. R. declined to comment, but his colleague Mr. Dalliard is single and wants to know if you're available on Thursday night. He says there is a "darling little bistro" he's been wanting to try. Can we give Mr Dalliard your contact details?

Yes, I swiped Mr. Dalliard from "A Bit of Fry and Laurie", which I undersand is available on DVD.