No, rubbish, resign!

http://www.unleashthefanboy.com/news/elementary-better-than-sherlock/72531

Why is "Elementary" better than Sherlock?  The answer is that it's not.  But let's do a point by point from the original article and see what I can refute.

The Set Up
According to TOA, it's a tie.  Elementary scores by making bold casting choices, which means making Watson a woman.  Elementary also has a more racially diverse cast than Sherlock.

This is a bit of a surprise, given that London is one of the planet's more diverse cities.  It was in Conan Doyle's day too.  But I don't see this as a factor.  Making Watson Joan instead of John and asian instead of european is meaningless when you understand that Joan Watson is every bit as effective a foil for the New York Holmes that John Watson is for the one in London.  It's down to the casting - Lucy Liu is excellent and while the writers have given her a somewhat different Watson to work with, I don't doubt that if they'd done nothing but change Watson's gender she could have carried off playing an Army medic home from Afghanistan.

In fact, I don't see the set up as being particularly something to score points over: both detectives live and work in a metropolis.  Elementary doesn't suffer by being in New York any more than Sherlock does for staying in London.

Let's skip to The Casting
Nobody loses points for casting Vinnie Jones as Sebastian Moran.  He's not exactly Larry Olivier, but he can do menace and he can do brutality, and he does a number of other things well enough that he's not a drag on the show.

Sherlock's casting is practically perfect.  Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are rivetting presences and the interplay between them makes the stories come to life.  Whenever I have a problem with the way the story is moving, I shut up and watch these two in action, because it never disappoints.

With Cumberbatch to measure up against, you might assume that Jonny Lee Miller might have a tough time.  Not a bit of it.  Same character, two very different interpretations, both excellent and both - most importantly of all - recognisably Sherlock Holmes.  There are times when both men make the rest of the cast fade into the background, because you don't want your eyes anywhere else (and that's a tough thing to do on Sherlock because that cast is very, very good).  On Elementary, which is much more of an ensemble piece, you end up watching Miller to see what his Holmes might be thinking or what might have caught his interest.

Lucy Liu and Martin Freeman also provide eminently watchable characters: John Watson gets to resume his mantle as the competent, intelligent military medic injured in action and we're allowed to discover Joan Watson slowly and carefully, getting to know the character all over again.  

The supporting cast don't really get much of a presence in Sherlock.  I for one could do with a bit more Lestrade, and I was sad to see the back of Moriarty.  Assuming, that is, we really have.  The regulars on Elementary make the show a little less about a consulting detective and a bit more of a police procedural, which was the last thing TV needed, but given how the characters end up bouncing off Holmes it's avoided becoming a group of people who are the American Holmes's surrogate family and more his support network.  Aidan Quinn is always a pleasure to have on screen and does the Baffled Copper bit when he has to, but you always feel that he's turning to Holmes in order to solve things quickly rather than solving them at all.

Representation
I always question this when I see it.
Look, Lucy Liu essentially proves the point that when you have the right actor, their gender and ethnicity really don't matter.  They become non-issues.  In the same way that Doctor Who could have a woman or a not-white-bloke in the lead role, and in the same way that Bond could be any shade of male, Holmes and Watson could be any ethnicity.

However, to cast people specifically to tick boxes is a worrying thing, and to cast someone because of their ethnicity is close to being stunt casting.  

The problem is, a lot of characters on the TV and in films at the moment come from stories written by white folks about white folks.  And this is because the majority of people in Europe, at least, when those stories were being written were...white folks.

It's not anyone's fault that this is the case.

What we should be doing is looking to the current crop of up and coming writers and encouraging them to write about where they are from and what they know.  We can look back into recent history and find some writers who have already done this, get their work on the stage and the screen.  We viewers and media consumers can remind the production companies and - really importantly - the advertisers and money people - that we will watch a show that we love no matter which demographic the lead actors are from and that making brave choices only really creates more fans.

It shouldn't be about ticking boxes.  It should be about reminding the folks in charge that we need heroes; if you get the right writer and the right actor that hero can be from anywhere and played by anyone.

There's another element to this.  Role models are important.  When I was a kid and was looking for someone to be like, I had The Doctor to look up to.  For this generation of kids, it would be great if they too felt they could look up to The Doctor, or Sherlock Holmes, or John/Joan Watson.  But it would be even better if they had a broader choice and if some of those heroes looked like they grew up in the same place as the viewers.  I honestly believe if you pick the right actor and give them the right material, ALL of the audience will become fans and their gender and ethnicity will be the last things on anyone's minds.

So this is a non-category.

The Woman Problem
Irene Adler is always going to be an issue.
On the one hand, there's the Stephen Moffat take on The Woman.

Originally, The Woman is a grifter who out-maneuvers Holmes and for whom he develops respect and admiration.  The original Sherlock Holmes would no more have considered a sexual relationship with Adler than he would with John Watson.  

Moffat's Irene Adler is apparently operating under the instructions of James Moriarty, which undercuts her power as a character and removes some of her agency.  I disagree that she's working to Moriarty's script.  I think she shows herself to be quite adept at improvising and keeping herself secure without the intervention of Moriarty - although it's nice to think that she's aware of who he is and sells him things occasionally.  I also think that people overlook the scene where Adler greets Sherlock naked.

In that scene, Sherlock doesn't focus on her nakedness or on her body.  He's not interested in either.  He doesn't get flustered because he can see boobs, he gets flustered because he can't see any of the clues and cues which will help him establish his intelligence.  She turns up naked and, for a lot of non-standard reasons - Sherlock has nothing to say.

I have a bit of a problem with how, at the end of the story, she's rescued.  I would have preferred her to rescue herself (maybe with Sherlock turning up a few seconds late and observing the escape, or aiding her departure), but again you have to understand the motivation of the character.  I think Sherlock decides to rescue her to demonstrate that he believes she's his equal, because he's been consistently outplayed and out-thought so it's his one chance to show that he's as good as he claims to be.

However, this is less than clear and it leaves a lot of the interaction between Adler and Holmes hard to interpret.  My belief is that Adler is playing with Holmes all the way along.  In him she might have found someone interesting - in the same way that Gregory House finds people interesting if they are a challenge or as difficult as he is.  Irene Adler, therefore, has found something she lacks: a friend, someone she can have an actual conversation with.  Someone who might understand her view of the world and the people in it without backing away and looking for the exit.  She might want to sleep with women, but this doesn't preclude the possibility of falling in love with a man.

And here, English lets us down a bit.  Love and sex are not the same thing.  Love doesn't necessarily need to be gender determined, and it's a bit retrograde of people to say that just because Irene is a lesbian she's incapable of finding Sherlock attractive or incapable of falling in love with him.  It all depends on what sort of love we're talking about.

I think some critics have jumped at the idea of Adler fancying Holmes because:
a) they do
b) they have an axe to grind (on Moffat, it seems)
c) it seems like the sane and sensible reaction for these two characters.

Nah.  Far more likely is that Adler and Holmes have found someone who thinks like they do and this is fascinating.  The attraction between them is based on how cool it is to see yourself from the outside, to see how good you are and to see yourself as others must surely see you.

This is where Elementary gets the relationship dead right.  Holmes and Adler are attracted to one another because they think in the same way.  This makes them immediately interesting (and Jonny Lee Miller does a brilliant scene where Holmes tries to impress Adler, during which he becomes a clever boy showing off in front of the new person and carries it off perfectly) to one another.  Elementary then makes the relationship sexual and throws in a twist or two (or three...or more) to keep you guessing.

The thing is, because this follows the path of two heterosexual people humping it's immediately less complex and less prone to misunderstanding.  It's also less interesting.  So Sherlock wins, for trying to establish that neither Holmes nor Adler think with their gonads despite them both wanting the other to just because it would throw the other off their game.  And, incidentally, blow Watson's mind too.

And The Winner?
Sherlock Holmes, who gets to be the greatest detective of the 21st Century.  As he was for the 20th.  And part of the 19th.  There's no stopping him.

If you look at how many times this format has been used - just recently, in House and Psyche - it's interesting that Sherlock Holmes gets remade or updated at all.  

Mark Gatiss and Stephen Moffat have shown that the stories themselves can be updated and still interesting.  Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have shown that the traditional way of looking at the characters works and is oddly still relevant today.  Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu have shown that Holmes can cheerfully survive crossing the Atlantic and the challenges of working in New York, and that a female Watson isn't stunt casting and doesn't destroy the dynamic between the two characters.

In their own ways, both shows are a triumph and while Sherlock is a bright candle that will burn twice as fast and half as long as Elementary, it's rather splendid to be able to enjoy both on their respective merits.

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A Play, Wot I Have Wrote

The folks at Christchurch (just off Queen's Road in lovely Leicester) have been really good to me over the last couple of years.  They've been accepting of the bizarre agnostic in their midst asking questions and pointing out the plot holes in Genesis (there's a doozy, but it's a subject for another time).

Becca and I have been kicking around an idea for about a year now, and wanted the opportunity to test it out to see if it was workable.  Turns out yes.  Here's the skinny:

Most churches hold a carol service.  Most churches will build that service around the Christmas story, because it's a good service to take the whole family to.  The kids get the story that they're familiar with and the congregation gets to sing songs they know in a register that they can probably manage.  Everyone wins.  To mess with this otherwise perfect formula, Becca and I wanted to insert something modern, fun and entertaining.  Paul, the Minister, let us and so t'other weekend I sat down and fired up Trelby (the rather ace open source screenwriter) and started typing.

The result?  Fun.  I really enjoyed the process of literally bashing out about an hour's worth of play over the course of a weekend.  Of course, I didn't just throw out a perfectly formed piece of drama on the first go.  Not a bit of it.  I'd been tinkering with the thing for a week or so and scribbling down short scenes -at work, during breaks and occasionally when I should really have been paying attention to other things (like managers).  The end result has made me very happy.

I know there are flaws, and rewrites beckon.  But the process of starting to work things out like casting, and how many costumes will be needed, and where we might get a film crew from (ambition!  I don't lack for it!) and a thousand other concerns, is really fun.  I know that in the weeks to come it will turn into a chore, so that's got to be figured in, but right now, just at this moment, a thing that I made for a lot of other people to enjoy is taking shape.

My plan is to fade into the background a bit and let the actors and the director take over.  I want to see what happens when they get hold of the script and start to play with it.  That's quite an exciting notion.  

When it's all over, I'll park the finished script here with an appropriate Creative Commons Licence and some footnotes.  Think of it as DVD extras.  And if someone films the whole thing, I might put bits of that up too.  We'll see.  There will be more notes as we go, because I'll be either very grumpy or breathlessly excited about the whole thing.

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Book! Deadline by Mira Grant

I finished Deadline, the sequel to Feed, which I had a little rave about here.

This review will be spoiler free.  I want you to go and buy this book, because I think you will enjoy it and you will definitely enjoy it best if you don't know what's coming.  Find out at the same time the characters so, which is much the best way of doing anything.

That said: it's nice to be back in the post-Rising world.  It seems even more familiar than it did last time, but since a large part of how the book handles a world with Zombies in it is...

...oh, look, I can't do this.  If you know anything about really good Zombie stories you'll know that the best of the bunch aren't really about Zombies.  Romero films, for example, use Zombies to talk about other things.  If you came for the gore and the zombie deaths and the horror, you will be entertained, but if you came looking for story and levels, you'll be rewarded.  It's the same with this series.

Deadline picks up a little after the events of Feed.  Where Feed was "Fear and loathing and Zombies on the Campaign Trail" this is something a little different.  The pace has picked up, the characterisation remains sharp and entirely effective, the plot takes some unexpected turns and I was left needing to read the last in the trilogy.

I'm a book junkie, but a discriminating one.  This book made me happy, in the same way that I was happy about The Empire Strikes Back, or The Two Towers: I know I'm in the middle of a story that I'm going to be coming back to more than once, I'm reading about characters that I will continue to care about after the story is done and I know that - because this is a story with zombies in it - maybe not everyone I like will make it out alive, but that will be OK because they will at least have lived.

Mira Grant's style really works for me.  Her prose is direct, immediate and immersive.  As I said earlier, the post-Rising world isn't a nice place to be but it's now thoroughly familiar and therefore a bit comfortable.  I suspect I could live there because she makes the blood tests and decontamination rituals commonplace and expected.  You soon fall into the same rhythm as the characters, which is how the book grabs you and starts gnawing on you.

Speaking of which, for a book ostensibly about zombies there aren't all that many.

But that's good.  And now I have to rant a bit about Doctor Who.

One of my favourite genres of Who story is the evergreen "base under seige", which are always at their best while the Doctor and the assorted humans are figuring out what the threat is and how to keep it out.  That's the exciting bit for me, the prep and the work.  You know that the threat is going to get in somehow, and you know that when it does the interesting people you're currently watching will probably end up being eaten or shot or driven mad or otherwise seriously messed with.  That's not interesting.  Or it's briefly interesting, because as soon as the threat gets in you lose all tension and characterisation, and often you lose dialogue and character as well.

In Deadline, pretty much the whole book is the Good Bit.  You know the zombies are out there, and that anyone could become one at any time, so the time you spend with the characters is more important.  There are assorted nods to the fleetingness of life and the ever present danger of Amplification (the term for when the virus gets to take over and turn you into a shambling eater) but they are the backdrop to a much more human story.

That's where this book wins over the assorted "I survived a zombie apocalypse" novels I've read.  The characterisation just keeps going.  I come to care about the characters even though they aren't created to be particularly sympathetic.  Grant keeps them human, which means they're fallible and breakable.  They fail, they break, they say things they might regret and do things they shouldn't, and this is entirely appropriate because they are, collectively, having a very bad and stressful time.  They come across as real people in a nearly impossible situation, and that's a triumph.

I like heroes, but I have never liked the perfect heroes or the infallible ones.  I like there to be some doubt that everything is going to be OK.  I get all of that here.  I also get a nice pile of revelations and new information about the world and how it works.

I'm a sucker for a conspiracy theory, me.  I love Charles Stross's Laundry series, and some spy books, for the same reason: hidden knowledge made accessible.  You can't beat the thrill of knowing things you aren't supposed to.

So go and read Deadline.  I've got to get hold of Blackout.

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Work is Hell...so, something funny.

I'm pretty sure lots of people have posted about their jobs before, and lots of others have had bad days/weeks/months where their job has been under threat or lost or awful.

It's currently my turn through that mill.  But as a great man once said, "when you're going through hell, keep going".  It wasn't Milton.

Since I'm on the subject of work, and since I currently don't like my work situation very much, I thought I'd eek out a little joy by making some of my colleagues smile by being satirical about something we all see regularly.

These are incident ticket summary lines.  Their job is to tell other teams what the issue is.  I have [redacted] things where they might identify the company I work for, which isn't a bad company really, and of course I'm not sharing any customer information.

That said, these are all genuine.

already sorted

 - because nothing makes more sense than calling us about an issue that you already fixed.  That's some good work, there, Lou...

Fluke Robin electrical installation

 - Biff! Pow! Ker-Sparks! The only way this makes sense is if it refers to the Boy Wonder installing a new gadget in the Bat Cave, but by accident.  Which is even more baffling than the summary line itself.

Milton Keynes centre: does it exist?

 - This is going to keep me awake at night.  This is either a powerful existential query or an excuse to don the Pith Helmet and go explorin'.

Not doing

 -  Verbs! Ha! Good Gawd, y'awl, what are they good for?  Absolutely nothin'! Say it again!

Nottingham is full

 - Other cities with spaces include Skelmersdale and Macclesfield.  Form an orderly queue.

Advised he will need to do it online

 - a single man, with broadband and a webcam...I'm afraid it's almost inevitable that you'd try.

Are the rules going to change?

 - No.  Monopoly has always been played this way.

Stuck

 - yes...but where?

Hanbook

 - I've read the companion volume, Chewiebook.  And the prequel, Landobook.

Husband calling about wife

 - Sorry, sir, we only sell what you see in the catalogue

Wife gets 'script behaviours' error

 - Please return your wife to Stepford.

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On losing an internet friend.

I am quite bad at being a human being.  Like most of us, I amble from interaction to interaction and sort of assume that the people who make the day more bearable will generally always be around and continue to do so.

Like most of us, I don't always stop to consider that their presence might be temporary.

Friends from the internet, on the other hand, I have always regarded as essentially temporary.  Websites change, people are affected by events in real life and stop posting, or come back after years and years...all kinds of things happen.

The other night, I found out that a poster from various Doctor Who forums had died.  A bloke I knew as "Zoltar".  And by "knew" I mean was aware of and occasionally chatted with and held a few basic opinions about.

It turns out Zoltar's first name was Scott.  

Scott's death affected me way more than it should have, given that I barely knew the guy, and I was startled to realise that I saw it as basically unfair.  

Scott was a friendly, intelligent, funny guy who had mastered the skill that I never did - he didn't let the internet turn him into a complete arse.  He came across as, above all else, a nice guy.  The sort of man you would be pleased to see no matter what else was going on.  The sort of man who touched a lot of lives with nothing but warmth and light.  

That's the impression I get from reading the tributes to him popping up over the internet.  It's also the impression I had of him.  I should have taken the time to get to know him better, but that's my problem.  

My sympathies are with Scott's family and loved ones, who have lost someone dear to them.  I hope there's some comfort in knowing that everyone who knew him, even peripherally, believes he went too soon and all of us will miss him.

Thanks, Scott, for being a pleasant and intelligent presence on the internet and making the occasionally fractious world of Who fandom nicer to be in.

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Strax Reviews: The Voice, on BBC 1

The Blog owner would like to point out that Strax isn't mine, he belongs to the BBC.  Likewise, his views are his own and do not reflect the views or opinions that I hold, the BBC holds or, in fact, anyone but Strax holds.

I had hoped that I would be able to do this on video, much as I have my field reports to Sontar but this pathetic human lacks the technology!  So I am reduced to blogging.  At first I was quite hopeful because blogging does at least sound like a small unit maneuver designed to maximise firepower and agility but it turns out this is actually about recording one's opinions of inconsequential matters in text.

I have been convinced to view something called "The Voice", on the basis that the opinions of a Sontaran warrior are much more interesting and relevant than those of a human.  I concur, so I shall watch this "Voice".  I am informed that the "Voice" has progressed to something called the "Battle Rounds", and already I find myself anticipating what might come.  

I have examined several reference works for the 21st century and can find no indication that humans have decided to use sonic weaponry for anything other than non-lethal uses, so one wonders what sort of battle we will see.  However, I am reassured that the 21st century is moderately inventive when it comes to weapons technology and one of the previews shows a skinny human making his fists explode, evidently with great satisfaction, so there may be hope for human civilisation yet.

Within moments of this entertainment starting, I have to note that this is some form of gladiatorial combat.  Four judges, none of them wearing a sensible amount of armour, sit between the combat space and the audience.  It seems a rather small battlefield.  Perhaps they will focus on hand to hand combat - something at which we Sontarans excel - at the expense of the often more creative medium to long range fighting.

Ricardo vs Mitchell

I see, we are introduced to the combatants as a way of building our understanding of their prowess.  Yes.  This makes sense.  How else would the audience know what is at stake?  And here we see a seasoned veteran against a young warrior; this is a classic test of skill against untutored talent.  The veteran has years of experience to draw upon for stratagems and tactics, whereas the new warrior can only hope to do something unorthodox.  Clearly they have chosen to open the bloodshed with a senseless death in order to demonstrate the value of training.  I approve.

Why are they singing?

Clearly this is a pre-battle ritual, designed to heighten the martial spirit and whet the bloodlust as one might sharpen a blade.  So; they sing, they posture and then they fight.

No.  No, it seems they simply sing.  I was patient through the singing because I expected at least a mild lasering, but they have declared a winner without there being even a scrap of glory!

At least I now understand the role of the four humans in the big chairs.  These are clearly Commanders.  And there, Commander Will has indicated that he too favours the advantages of a seasoned warrior over one who is newly cloned.  I sense some shreds of tactical sense in Commander Will, thus far the only human worth paying attention to.

Apparently this is the first battle of the evening.  There are to be several more.  There had better be some actual battle or I shall hunt this competition down.

Emma vs Mike

I am informed that this preliminary footage is called a "training montage".  It is obligatory. Aha!  Now the commentator says that this will be a "shoot-out", although the battle arena is very small.  One might sustain a firefight for only a few moments if the weapons are reasonably accurate and the participants properly trained.  No one seems to be wearing battle armour, a decision I believe they will soon come to regret.

No.  It is more singing.

I am heartened that at least this time it sounds like the participants are in some form of pain.  

I have heard the sound the boy Emma is making before.  I believe I was on Dedlocere, when the 5th pushed an entire Rutan legion into retreat.  My platoon commander's drop pod landed on an example of the local wildlife - it was long, thin and had many dorsal spines.  It made a very similar noise before it expired.  We did not regret its passing.  It was an otherwise excellent day.  There were many deaths.

I am informed that this style of singing is called "Country".  Indeed.  If this is what happens in the county I am not surprised that so many humans live in cities.

Letitia vs Alex

According to the training montage, these two have displeased their Commander.  And one of them plans to ignore her commands.  Why, then, are they unpunished?  Humans do not believe in proper discipline.  If not for the continued presence of The Doctor, you would have been crushed a very long time ago.  And may still be!

As expected, this is more noise.  I am given to understand that this is singing.  Humans should learn that the proper prelude to actual action is a good, well voiced "Sontar-HA!" and then you attempt to empty the ammunition clip of your weapon into the enemy as quickly and accurately as possible.  What I am hearing now resembles that in no way at all.  Letitia has promise.  He seems much more of a warrior than this Alex.  I would equip him with a squad support weapon and allow him to be the anchor point for a fighting formation.  He could certainly make himself heard over the roar of battle.  Yes, I believe I am right.  Letitia should win, and wield a fusion lance while his voice is employed to chant a calming litany of fire and maneuver orders.

Commander Will seems to agree with me, and indeed Letitia is the victor but not for any sensible military reason.  And now the Commanders are fighting over Alex.  Why?

Diva vs Joseph

Commander Tom is correct; in a battle against a numerically superior force, the numerically inferior are much more likely to experience a glorious death.  In terms of morale, the two humans working as a team seem to have the better fighting spirit while this Joseph seems quite intimidated.  This is valuable.  Have I stumbled upon the reason that Humans are not as easy to conquer as is often expected?  Are you using popular entertainment to secretly instill martial wisdom into your population?

No.  This is more singing.  I feel the nature of this contest has been badly misrepresented.

Interestingly, Joseph's voice is so powerful that it has forced water from his Commander's eyes.  If humans have been secretly engineering themselves to become natural sonic weapons, that might go some way to explaining this..this...this.

Commander Tom will now make the tactically correct choice and select the numerically superior force, since they were unaffected by Joseph's sonic assault (indicating perhaps a natural resistance  and presented the proper martial attitude and desire for combat.  The advantage of a ranged weapon can be overcome with numbers, as so many Sontaran dead have repeatedly taught the Rutan horde! 

No, he has selected Joseph because of his range.  I do not understand.  I am heartened, however, because at last the human race has produced three individuals who approach Sontaran levels of handsomeness.  Although not the handsomeness of my own Clone Batch, as I am sure you will agree, they are definitely the most attractive combatants so far.

Abi vs Laura

This will be more singing and the Commander will choose the incorrect human for their team.  
Commander Jessie seems to be irritated, as am I, but this looked for a few moments at least like it might break out into an actual fight.  I became quite disinterested and accidentally set off a temporal displacement grenade.  Technically, my right leg is now twelve seconds older than the rest of me.  

Or will be, when I catch up with it.

Liam vs Jon

I have noticed that Commander Will seems to take very little active part in his training montages.  I find this curious.  Certainly a good Commander takes personal responsibility for the training of his troops, and training is something a soldier undertakes in order to be more effective in the field.  As much fun as it certainly is to throw yourself into combat heedless of personal risk and firing a random selection of grenades into the local geography, knowing how to do it without those grenades delivering a prematurely glorious death to your own squad mates is very important.  

But now Commander Will's plan becomes evident.  He has clearly been hard at work building these two into a fearsome pair of assassins.  Certainly this song has not survived encountering them.  Perhaps they are some form of terror weapon?  They have forced Commander Jessie into retreat.  Intriguing.

While I was waiting for my leg, I did some research using something called "eye-tunes".  The name makes no sense.  No one hears with their eyes.  Well, the Conviviality of the Lighter Ee do.  But they are not you, humans!  The "eye-tunes" delivered the original version of this song.  While of no significant military value, and (if I understand the term correctly) not much artistic merit, it certainly did not deserve what Liam and Jon did to it.  

The Half Way Point

I have been informed that normally these things only last an hour.  If I put aside the obvious value of this "Voice" as a tool for enhanced interrogations, I believe this is the ideal amount of time for it to last.  This one will last twice as long because of something called "Eurovision", which happened last week.  Apparently, "Eurovision" is in part a celebration of peace across a specific continental land mass which has so far lasted 50 years.  I was appalled until I discovered that it is another singing contest which you humans use to delineate regional, political and cultural alliances, relive old rivalries and mock one another.  

Excellent. 

 I shall start the second part now.  I am a warrior of Sontar.  If pitiful humans can watch all of this, I certainly can.

Lem vs Trevor

Commander Jessie is wearing a tactically inadvisable chestplate.  His choices in uniform are a little...eccentric.

I am concerned.  During this performance, my right leg developed what I must assume is further temporal instability and began to move rhythmically.  This distressing condition quickly transmitted itself to the rest of my body and, quite involuntarily I assure you, I found myself travelling some way across the room.  While the sensation was not unpleasant, and ended when the performance ceased, it is disturbing.  I shall monitor myself for further symptoms.

I believe Commander Danny may have secured himself a tactical advantage by consulting with The Doctor about future events.  I clearly heard him declare that Commander Will is unaware of what is to happen and has acted unwisely.  Evidence suggests that it is unlikely one of the other Commanders has planned an ambush and I am almost certain that none of the participants in this "Voice" are trained warriors.

Alys vs Lareena

I have discovered the "fast forward" button.

Paul vs Sean

Paul seems very aggressive.  Dare I hope?
Interestingly, this song seems to be about humans having feelings for other humans.  Given the inefficient way you have chosen to reproduce, and given the often bizarre reasons you have for selecting breeding partners, it seems strange that the idea of one human having feelings for another human would be troubling to you.  Here, we have two humans apparently declaring feelings for one another in a quite aggressive fashion.  I think that if you're going to have genders you should be much more pragmatic about how you allow other humans to conduct themselves in their partnership choices.  It really is trivial when you compare it to organising the equipping and logistics of a thousand warriors in preparation for planetfall with the express intention of forcing the Rutan Horde to briefly adopt some form of face so you can wipe the smile off it.

Paul has equipped himself with some form of staff weapon and seems quite prepared to wield it.  Excellent.  He shows promise.

The onlookers too show some signs of proper values.  They applaud Commander Tom for his age and experience, quite correctly.  They recognise that he has survived a great many battles and has a wealth of guile and cunning to call on at will.  It also means he is exceptionally hard to kill.  

Sean is apparently distraught.  Commander Danny, intervene and separate these two!

Emily vs Moni

I have a serious question about Commander Will.  Since these are apparently both capable of singing, and since this is apparently a skill humans value, why does he waste talent on what is almost certainly a horrible song?  Humans reading this are encouraged to question Commander Will's motives.  I believe he may be hunting down and killing songs he does not like by making other humans sing them so badly no one will ever want to hear them again.

Commander Jessie is displeased with the rhythmic contribution of the onlookers and engages in an impromptu training session.  She is far too lenient.  A Force Cordon and a handful of cerebrotropic grenades and not one would escape punishment.  Watch how the rest clap in formation after that!

I admit that my skill with this language is limited, but how is a nationally broadcast "entertainment" any form of "obscure situation", Commander Will?

Ragsy vs Colin

Clearly both of these humans should crush all opposition.  So many weak opponents have paraded themselves before my eyes over the course of this "Voice" and these two are the only ones worthy of any form of praise.  Why are the others allowed to continue?  Can we not force Moni to cede his place to Colin?  And if not that, can he at least be forced to wrestle a Drashig?

See?  Even the onlookers agree!  Commander Tom, the only course of action that makes sense is that you immediately recall all your previous choices and execute the weakest of them so that Colin can continue!

I am appalled.  I am shocked.  Commander Tom chose what I consider to be a seminal, if not defining album by Muse, selected perhaps the best song on that album and then watched as two talented humans gave their very best, their all, to a performance that put the entire building on it's feet and one of them must be punished for this greatness?  Absurd.  Commander Tom, I shall lend you my prized Oblivioject 5000 pistol.  It has barely any recoil, is practically soundless and you could dispatch Mike before he or anyone else knew anything was happening.

I apologise for this outburst.  I have spent entirely too much money on "eye-tunes" and entirely too much time watching this "Voice".  And possibly too much time on Earth.

But Colin should still have gone through.

Karl vs Nadeem

These two have apparently "been through the Wars", so we shall finally hear what a Human combat veteran sounds like.  As I have indicated, singing has little military value (although I am prepared to believe that Colin and Ragsy in duet might have strategic value), but these two opponents have at least recognised that this "Voice" is a competition and that losses must be suffered.  

While they sing - I have little interest in how they do this  - I wish to note something.  Obviously, Humans have a pathetic short term memory.  The shapeshifter you have employed to herd the contestants - why does it swap between the two forms? - has repeatedly informed me that none of the Commanders have any "steals" left.  I am quite capable of understanding this information after only one briefing.  

Also, I think I have divined Commander Will's strategy.  Commander Will has repeatedly forced the other Commanders to sacrifice combatants they consider valuable while he himself has managed to offload several lesser talents.  He is engaged in making the other Commanders suffer a death of a thousand cuts, while his own force loses nothing of value.

Commander Danny has not grasped this, nor has he grasped the nature of battle.  He is repeating the phrase "No losers", but in this he is wrong.  It is the nature of warfare to divide the battlefield into those who have won and those who have lost.  Failure to grasp this important fact, and to understand the nature of sacrifice, will cost Commander Danny dearly in the long term.

And that is all I am prepared to watch.  No more of this.

Strax out.

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Book! Feed, by Mira Grant

I love books.

This is a mild understatement.  I adore books.  I am addicted to books.  

The good things about books are that, unlike heroin or LSD, you can carry as many books as you feel like without being arrested.  You can indulge in them in public and no one minds too much if you've read too many.  Also, on their own books won't make you fat.

Recently, I had some spare change and decided I'd buy a new book - Feed by Mira Grant, which promised to be a new sort of Zombie book.  It caught my attention because it had a clever title, didn't appear to be another exploration of the world ending and had zombies in it.  I'm not a massive fan of zombies, although I do like most of the Romero films and Shaun of the Dead.  I'm generally quite happy to watch zombie flicks because they tend to be pretty predictable.  Zombie fiction, on the other hand, has to be pretty interesting before it will really hold my attention.

Feed grabbed me by the lapels and wouldn't let me go.  Eventually I had to slip out of my jacket and sneak away while it was gnawing on the collar.  

It's about a trio of intrepid bloggers.  Yes, bloggers.  And it's set after the zombies have risen.  Quite a long time after.  It's a cunning book.  On the one hand, Mira Grant gives me something like Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail and at the plants the whole thing in a zombie infested future.  On the other hand, she's writing something about the power of the "new" media and about the value of blogging, social media and citizen journalism.  For those reasons alone this book is worth a read, but, you know, zombies.  As a bonus.

I don't want to spoil the plot, because I want you to buy the book and read it so you'll tell all your friends about it.  Instead of a breakdown, here's what worked and didn't work for me.

What Worked

The Characters.  
At first, I thought the characters were not much more than pencil sketches. By half way through the story that opinion changed and I began to anticipate what they'd do.  At one point, I can remember thinking "Ohhh, that's only going to make her mad", and I was right.  Bloggers Georgia Mason and her brother Shaun are well realised and you will come to know them well even if you don't like them much.  Georgia in particular is hard to like but easy to understand and sympathise with.  This makes her a very successful character in my eyes because getting to know her is like getting to know a real person.  Who says protagonists have to be nice?

She is also not feisty, sassy or spunky.  She is committed, professional, honest, sarcastic and intelligent.  She has integrity.  She earns my respect.  Not many protagonists have done that.

Here's a lesson for many other writers.  Georgia is a strong female character without ever being a cliche.  Probably because she's written by a woman, who writes male characters with equal facility and skill.  It's so good to spend some time with a character who I'd actually enjoy the chance to meet in real life.  Georgia has flaws and frailties, unlike a lot of other protagonists I've read recently, and it makes her more admirable and more interesting.

The Plot.
This is a book on the edge of several ideas and it juggles them all beautifully.  I wanted to see more of the world, so I'm delighted that there are sequels, and I wanted to spend more time in the company of Georgia and Shaun.  But, as the Rolling Stones say, you can't always get what you want and this is a book with Zombies in it.  So, you know, it won't necessarily end well for everyone.

The Style.
This is not a book packed with purple prose of florid description, thankfully.  I was left with the impression that the world might be quite a hard place to look at and, consequently, people might not pay much attention to static details because they'd be much more interested in the sort of detail that shambles, moans and eats people.

What Didn't Work

Almost nothing.

I was disappointed when the book ended.  Luckily, Blackout and Deadline carry on the story and I'm looking forward at throwing money at them.

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The Name of The Doctor

If I say I'm underwhelmed by the season finale, it's because I regard it as a work in progress and a missed opportunity rather than as a fitting end to a season.  I'm also annoyed at the writing.

Let's talk about Clara.

I know The Doctor likes Clara, possibly because he's had more time to get to know her than I have.  The little I've seen of Clara hasn't been enough for me to work out whether I like her or not.  She started well, and she showed some promise early on because it looked like instead of being a feisty, independent girl or a soft-eyed manic pixie troublemagnet, she might be a person.  Sadly, she turned out to be feisty.  Feisty is a word writers use when they don't have time to install a real character.  Turning Clara into a feisty pixie girl has destroyed any chance I might have had to get to know her as a person and therefore feel any sympathy or worry for her.  When she stepped into the Doctor's timestream and disappeared, I already knew she'd be rescued because she isn't a person.  She's a plot device.  She always has been.  

And it's fucking tiresome.

The Doctor chases after her because he's got unresolved guilt issues based around apparently letting her die twice.  He couldn't work her out, so he set out to solve her.  Except you don't solve people and you don't treat them as riddles - well...you might if you're a thousand year old alien, but no matter how much we might want to pretend, the audience isn't The Doctor.  

The problem we've got with Clara is that The Doctor is the audience identification figure.  Because he's interested in Clara, we're supposed to be interested in her too.  Pretty much whether we want to be or not.  But making The Doctor our viewpoint character means we strip away a bit of the enigma from him.  We get to know more about what he's thinking than perhaps we ought to.  The production team are using the fact that the Doctor has been around for 50 years as an excuse not to write character - allowing for more Movie Idea stories in half the time they need to develop properly, I suppose - because the audience already knows him.

The end result is that I've just watched a character I don't particularly care about be promoted to glory.  Now, the Doctor owes everything - even his selection of TARDIS - to Clara bloody Oswald.  Whatever happened to the TARDIS picking The Doctor?  Seriously, that was the best revelation about The Doctor ever, and the presence of a future companion has just kicked it into touch.  

I wouldn't accuse the show of Lazy Writing, because it's clearly anything but.  There were enough ideas in The Name of The Doctor to fill a slot twice that long.  Which is rather the point.  We didn't get the time it deserved.  There was some excellent stuff on display.  

There was also some stuff we've seen before.  A Universe without The Doctor?  Yeah.  We saw that in Turn Left.  Besides, Moffat didn't think this through.

If we didn't have the Pertwee Doctor, it's quite possible that Clara wouldn't exist.  We definitely lose her because of a lack of 10th Doctor, and quite likely because of a lack of 9th Doctor too.  No Clara means no one to save The Doctor when the Great Intelligence enters his time stream.  Oh, but wind that back - with no Clara to point the 1st Doctor in the direction of the correct TARDIS, he gets one that works.  He goes where he wants, is never forced to kidnap Ian and Barbara, is never forced to think of others before himself, never becomes the hero that the 2nd Doctor became and therefore never fights the Great Intelligence.  Paradox.  Or fanwank.

Anyway, that fannish discussion is largely pointless.  Let's have another look at Turn Left.

Donna is someone we've had a chance to get to know, but we're shown what she would have been like if she'd never met The Doctor.  By the end of the story, Donna recognises that she's got a choice - she can save The Doctor, but at the cost of her own life.  She's terrified, she doesn't really want to, but she's seen what happened without him.  Donna jumps in front of a car and dies to save a man she's never met because she chooses to, because the alternative he provides is so much better than the world she lives in.  It's an example of The Doctor's influence - that the actions of one ordinary person can save a world - but it's underscored with tragedy.  This Donna is as real as the one we already know, and she doesn't go easily.

Clara was born to save The Doctor.  She doesn't decide to, she has to.  She knows this because of destiny, fate, predestination paradox or some other bollocks.  Clara The Plot Device steps into potential oblivion without a murmur because the story says she must.  She doesn't have a choice.  That cuts the legs out from under her decision, robs it of real impact and makes Clara a puppet.  If Moffat was saying something about time making puppets of us all, or about the illusion of free will, then OK.  But that's not what The Doctor has been about all these years.  If anything, he's more about making the difficult decision and the hard choice.  He's avoided the convenient way out, failed to turn away or pass by on the other side.  

The one bright point in the story was the presence of John Hurt, the Doctor who did what he did for peace and sanity.  

And this is where my blood starts to actually boil.

I feel like John Hurt was brought in to replace Eccelston.  I would actually have preferred to see McGann standing there, if I'm brutally honest.  As ideas go, there being another Doctor who fought the Time War and condemned the Daleks and the Time Lords who the other incarnations have disowned is interesting.

And it would be awesome if we hadn't dealt with this in the finale of Christopher Eccelston's season.  It would be awesome if the 10th Doctor hadn't found a way to cope with his guilt, as he points out when he leaves the cloneDoctor in an alternate universe with Rose, and become a very different man.  As it stands, it's irritating and the audience has already gone through some of this.  

Why is the 11th Doctor going to be bogged down in his own survivor guilt and self recrimination for actions he was basically forced to take?  What is it now?

With a bit of luck, we get to find out in November.  For all the criticisms above, I will be watching.  



What?  You think I'd miss it?  You're kidding.  If I look after myself better, I'm in with a shot of being around when this show turns 100.  I think it's in with a shot of making it there too.

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The 11th Doctor - Billy No Mates?

It's not an idea I'd had myself, but I was chatting about the 11th Doctor's lack of social graces the other night.  As you do, when your girlfriend reads interesting and geeky things for fun.

It occurred to me that, in comparison to other Doctors, 11 doesn't have any friends.

Of course, it's Moffat's fault.  Everything is.  That triple-dip recession?  That was him.

If you look at the post 2005 Doctors, you can see that 9 was more than capable of making friends and being sociable when he chose to.  In fact he's quite the party animal, as Doctors go.  He was perfectly at home amongst other people and for a while he had quite a collection of people travelling in or knocking around the Tardis.

10, by comparison, couldn't be alone if he tried.  And oh, he tried.  But it was all a pose, because 10's exuberance wouldn't let him be moody and broody for more than a few minutes at a time.  We only have to look at Journey's End to see the vast menagerie that he'd managed to attract.

But 11 is much better at being a loner.  It's almost his default setting.

His decision  to travel with Amy was, at first, all about the puzzle of Amy Pond.  He was fascinated by the impossibleness of her, so whatever it took to solve that riddle was what the Doctor was going to do.  We skip quietly past the fact that Amy doesn't have any family and straight into the Doctor realising that she's not just an interesting puzzle when she throws herself at him.  At that point, the Doctor remembers Rory and scoots off to scoop him up.  Does this mean Rory is a mate?  No.  He's Amyproofing.

11 treats people like interesting toys.  River Song, a woman he's ostensibly married to and someone he allegedly cares for deeply, is put back in a box when the Doctor is done with her.  Craig, who has the sort of emotional power that explodes cybermen and who fights off a rogue timeship, isn't a mate.  The Doctor doesn't understand a single thing about him and although he sits back and fixes Craig's relationship, he's really no closer to Craig than he was when they met.  

He's doing the same things with Clara - they meet on Wednesdays, allegedly so Clara can look after a couple of kids.  It's interesting that the Doctor refers to her as another impossible girl.  He likes impossible.  But he doesn't like people.  He even seems to be glad to see the back of Madame Vastra, Jenny and Strax.  

It looks like the 11th Doctor is reverting back to an old personality.  A very old one.  His first, in fact.  Although the performance is pure Matt Smith, there are sides to this Doctor that are quite similar to the selfish old man who we met in the infamous 1963 junk yard.  

I'm not convinced this is a good thing.

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In Praise of the Paternoster Gang

Vastra, Jenny and Strax probably deserve their own stories.  I think some really short seasons, six stories at about 45 minutes each, would be perfect.  Pitch it at three seasons and go from the beginning to the end of their particular stories, it could be fantastic.

While Vastra and Jenny have a lot going for them, they're a tiny bit box-ticky cliche and it would be really interesting to see what other writers could do with a Great Detective and her Battle Butler.  It would be particularly fun to watch their romance develop.

My particular hero at the moment is Strax.  For all sorts of reasons, Strax is currently my favourite character on TV.  Here are the main ones:

He's Not Human!
Not even a little bit.  Strax doesn't want to be human, doesn't admire humans, isn't being forced to admit that humans have any redeeming qualities or features, isn't observing the human condition from the outside and doesn't care that these things are not taking place.  He's a Sontaran.  He's perfectly happy being a Sontaran.  This comes over in the lines he's given, because Strax is intent on applying the perfectly normal standards of his race to the world he's forced to be a part of.  The result is that he's a one Sontaran fish out of water comedy, even though the character himself (cloneself?) doesn't give time to the notion that he might be out of place.

This, for me, is so refreshing.  Science fiction shows made by Americans seem to need to explain and humanise their aliens, but Strax shows that aliens can be entirely foreign without being completely inexplicable.  I wish more aliens were written this way, because they should be largely incomprehensible.

He's Kid Friendly!
In the Q&A session he did, which is up on YouTube, Strax handles himself exceptionally well without once breaking character or talking down to the audience.  This is a little bit of fried awesome on the part of the actor.  However, Strax has a very uncluttered view of the world and this means that the kids in the audience know what to expect of him.  Yes, OK, given the opportunity to size a problem up Strax will want to shoot it to bits and then throw grenades at it.  This is good news for people who like to have a bit of reliability in their lives.  Strax even has heroic qualities to him - in his own terms, he's completely reliable and although he might enjoy the combat and the shooting and the, yes, killing, it's entirely possible that a kid might find that comforting.  After all, Strax is on our side.

And he's also a bit of a kid himself.  After all, he's nearly 12.

He's Played Straight
Strax is funny because he doesn't behave the way people should behave.  We don't suggest acid filled trenches as a solution to anything (although I might start).  We don't honestly think a frontal assault is a good idea (although it would have solved a lot of problems in his recent outing).  And he's not mugging at the camera and playing things for laughs.  Stick to that principle and you have the modern equivalent of Jimmy from the Reggie Perrin series.

I Know Him
Well, sort of.  I don't know any Sontarans, and I don't know the actor.  But I'm a tabletop RPGer and I've played games with people who play just like Strax.  Heck, I've been Strax on a couple of occasions because there is nothing more fun, from time to time, in trying to solve all of your complex and multilayered problems with as many hideous weapons as you can fit in a gym bag.  As a wise man once said: "Subtlety be damned, I'm for the direct approach!".

It is incredibly relaxing to abandon your morals, principles, the rule of law and the human condition and just blow shit up.  As long as you're doing it through the medium of a roleplaying game, and not actually killing people.  Killing people is wrong.

And this is sort of worrying for Doctor Who.  The character I recognise as being most like someone I know is a Sontaran.  Oh well.  Can't have everything*.










*They confiscated my cerebrotropic mines and all of my slicepistols, for example.

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The Name of The Doctor? I know his name

I think The Grand Moff is engaged in a Long Con, and I think it's going to be really successful.

He's promised to reveal The Doctor's greatest secret, and we've got a poster for The Name of The Doctor which makes it look very much like he's actually going to do it.

Not that it matters.

For the exactly nothing that it's worth, I don't care what The Doctor's name is.  The Doctor is, and hopefully always will be, The Doctor.  Giving him a name like Romanavoratrelundar is effectively giving him a Secret Identity.  He should probably have been wearing some sort of mask all these years, and I don't think anyone could be bothered with The Doctor as superhero.

Why do secret identities matter for superheroes?  In Meta terms, it's so we can pretend to be them.  When comic books were still for kids, masked heroes were a way for us to pretend that we could be them.  How many people dressed up as superheroes by putting on a slapped-together mask, or turned a towel into a cape?  Back in pre-Cosplay times, the idea was that anyone could be a superhero just by slipping on a domino mask and going off to fight crime.

We're not supposed to be able to be like The Doctor.  We're barely supposed to understand him.  We can like him, we can admire him and we can even be his companion, but he's meant to remain mysterious, and inspiring.

Besides, The Doctor has had names.  Being John Smith, Scientific Adviser to UNIT, changed absolutely nothing about The Doctor; being John Smith the teacher and human didn't change anything about The Doctor either.  A name is, after all, just a label.  Our names don't tell anyone anything about who we are, beyond hinting at what our ancestry might be about and maybe where we were born (and perhaps when we were born).  Names don't define people.  Which might be why, when the original production team were looking for something to call the central character, they settled on a title instead.

Doctor, as the show seems to have forgotten, isn't just the title given to a healer.  It's an Academic title, as is Master.  The Doctor didn't make things better, he learned about them and, eventually helped other people learn - about their strengths and themselves, their capabilities and their values.  He was never a healer.

So, how does a name have any impact?

Names are only important if you have anything to protect (if you're a superhero) or something you don't want anyone to know about.  The Doctor doesn't have a family to protect, and The Doctor has already indicated that he doesn't care who knows his secrets.  Look at the confrontation between him and Lady Peinforte in Silver Nemesis.  She threatens to tell Ace all about The Doctor's past, and he calls her on this claiming he doesn't care if she does.  The Cyberleader also shows no interest at all in knowing anything about The Doctor.  It drives Peinforte nuts, but it hints at something else.

Names have power to mages.  Peinforte thought she was one, and we've seen how the Carrionites use them, so restricting the availability of one's true name might have been important - if not for the fact that most of the other Time Lords have names which are readily available. 

Names also have power in fairy stories.  Sometimes, a name can be exchanged for something else.  And now we're cooking.

The Master mentioned that The Doctor sealed the rift in the Medusa Cascade and The Doctor said that he was young when that happened.  RTD said that the Medusa Cascade would come back to haunt him, which it did because it cost him Donna and was hiding Davros and his daleks.  What if there's more to it than that.  What if The Doctor gave his name up in return for something important - the power to seal the Rift?  Maybe freedom from the Time Lords?  Maybe something else important.  Maybe that's why Susan Foreman had a name and The Doctor doesn't.  

However, none of this has been referenced anywhere that matters other than very recently when The Doctor's name was teased as something mysterious and portentous  in a way that the character himself and fifty years of writers have never bothered to explore.

The Long Con that The Grand Moff is running is based around building a future for Doctor Who.   Every producer gives the show something to remember him by, every era leaves a legacy, and Mr. Moffat might be trying to set the show up for the next 50 years.  Now, either this is a project worthy of a great writer or it's an act of hubris.  He's building up interest in the show so that the 50th anniversary gets the maximum public interest and helps create a new audience for the years to come.  We might see anything this year - old Doctors, a new Doctor, old friends and foes, new and memorable ones, new ideas or old mythology.  The trick is to keep us guessing and wondering for as long as possible.

So my feeling is that Moffat is teasing us.  He'll keep his word about telling the world what the Doctor's name is, but we will somehow be prevented from knowing.  If the Doctor is present on the field of Trenzelore at the fall of the 11th, when no one can speak falsely and no man may fail to answer, the Doctor will be prevented from speaking.  Or speaking intelligibly.  Or he'll tell us his name is, and always has been...The Doctor, leaving us with the same question we started with.  Or, and this would be a really nice way of doing it, he'll say what his name is but the presence of The Silents will prevent anyone (including us) from remembering what it is.

The fun in this will be seeing how Moffat carries this off.  I have confidence that he will, because he's had recent practice in Sherlock, wherein we're all absolutely certain that the lead character has done something awful and the consequences have been fully explored, but now the impossible situation needs to be unpicked and explained in a satisfying way.  

In the end, we don't need to know what The Doctor's name is because we've known who he is all the time.  We've been told, and we've worked it out for ourselves, and we've been shown, over and over again.  He's the Doctor; he's the mad man in the blue box; he's like fire and ice and the heart of the storm; he's a Time Lord, he walks in eternity; he's a wanderer in the 4th Dimension, an outcast; he's the Oncoming Storm; he's the person the monsters have nightmares about; he's a splendid fellow, all of him.  He's the selfish old man who loved being called Grandfather, who kidnapped two teachers from London more or less by accident and, with them, learned that there were corners of the universe that had bred the most terrible things and took the decision to do something about them.  And if he turned up, leaning casually against his blue box and said "D'you want to come with me?", we'd still say yes.

What else do we need to know?

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