Strax Reviews: The Voice, on BBC 1
Sunday, May 26, 2013
The Blog owner would like to point out that Strax isn't mine, he belongs to the BBC. Likewise, his views are his own and do not reflect the views or opinions that I hold, the BBC holds or, in fact, anyone but Strax holds.
I had hoped that I would be able to do this on video, much as I have my field reports to Sontar but this pathetic human lacks the technology! So I am reduced to blogging. At first I was quite hopeful because blogging does at least sound like a small unit maneuver designed to maximise firepower and agility but it turns out this is actually about recording one's opinions of inconsequential matters in text.
I have been convinced to view something called "The Voice", on the basis that the opinions of a Sontaran warrior are much more interesting and relevant than those of a human. I concur, so I shall watch this "Voice". I am informed that the "Voice" has progressed to something called the "Battle Rounds", and already I find myself anticipating what might come.
I have examined several reference works for the 21st century and can find no indication that humans have decided to use sonic weaponry for anything other than non-lethal uses, so one wonders what sort of battle we will see. However, I am reassured that the 21st century is moderately inventive when it comes to weapons technology and one of the previews shows a skinny human making his fists explode, evidently with great satisfaction, so there may be hope for human civilisation yet.
Within moments of this entertainment starting, I have to note that this is some form of gladiatorial combat. Four judges, none of them wearing a sensible amount of armour, sit between the combat space and the audience. It seems a rather small battlefield. Perhaps they will focus on hand to hand combat - something at which we Sontarans excel - at the expense of the often more creative medium to long range fighting.
I see, we are introduced to the combatants as a way of building our understanding of their prowess. Yes. This makes sense. How else would the audience know what is at stake? And here we see a seasoned veteran against a young warrior; this is a classic test of skill against untutored talent. The veteran has years of experience to draw upon for stratagems and tactics, whereas the new warrior can only hope to do something unorthodox. Clearly they have chosen to open the bloodshed with a senseless death in order to demonstrate the value of training. I approve.
Why are they singing?
Clearly this is a pre-battle ritual, designed to heighten the martial spirit and whet the bloodlust as one might sharpen a blade. So; they sing, they posture and then they fight.
No. No, it seems they simply sing. I was patient through the singing because I expected at least a mild lasering, but they have declared a winner without there being even a scrap of glory!
At least I now understand the role of the four humans in the big chairs. These are clearly Commanders. And there, Commander Will has indicated that he too favours the advantages of a seasoned warrior over one who is newly cloned. I sense some shreds of tactical sense in Commander Will, thus far the only human worth paying attention to.
Apparently this is the first battle of the evening. There are to be several more. There had better be some actual battle or I shall hunt this competition down.
I am informed that this preliminary footage is called a "training montage". It is obligatory. Aha! Now the commentator says that this will be a "shoot-out", although the battle arena is very small. One might sustain a firefight for only a few moments if the weapons are reasonably accurate and the participants properly trained. No one seems to be wearing battle armour, a decision I believe they will soon come to regret.
No. It is more singing.
I am heartened that at least this time it sounds like the participants are in some form of pain.
I have heard the sound the boy Emma is making before. I believe I was on Dedlocere, when the 5th pushed an entire Rutan legion into retreat. My platoon commander's drop pod landed on an example of the local wildlife - it was long, thin and had many dorsal spines. It made a very similar noise before it expired. We did not regret its passing. It was an otherwise excellent day. There were many deaths.
I am informed that this style of singing is called "Country". Indeed. If this is what happens in the county I am not surprised that so many humans live in cities.
As expected, this is more noise. I am given to understand that this is singing. Humans should learn that the proper prelude to actual action is a good, well voiced "Sontar-HA!" and then you attempt to empty the ammunition clip of your weapon into the enemy as quickly and accurately as possible. What I am hearing now resembles that in no way at all. Letitia has promise. He seems much more of a warrior than this Alex. I would equip him with a squad support weapon and allow him to be the anchor point for a fighting formation. He could certainly make himself heard over the roar of battle. Yes, I believe I am right. Letitia should win, and wield a fusion lance while his voice is employed to chant a calming litany of fire and maneuver orders.
Commander Will seems to agree with me, and indeed Letitia is the victor but not for any sensible military reason. And now the Commanders are fighting over Alex. Why?
Commander Tom is correct; in a battle against a numerically superior force, the numerically inferior are much more likely to experience a glorious death. In terms of morale, the two humans working as a team seem to have the better fighting spirit while this Joseph seems quite intimidated. This is valuable. Have I stumbled upon the reason that Humans are not as easy to conquer as is often expected? Are you using popular entertainment to secretly instill martial wisdom into your population?
No. This is more singing. I feel the nature of this contest has been badly misrepresented.
Interestingly, Joseph's voice is so powerful that it has forced water from his Commander's eyes. If humans have been secretly engineering themselves to become natural sonic weapons, that might go some way to explaining this..this...this.
Commander Tom will now make the tactically correct choice and select the numerically superior force, since they were unaffected by Joseph's sonic assault (indicating perhaps a natural resistance and presented the proper martial attitude and desire for combat. The advantage of a ranged weapon can be overcome with numbers, as so many Sontaran dead have repeatedly taught the Rutan horde!
No, he has selected Joseph because of his range. I do not understand. I am heartened, however, because at last the human race has produced three individuals who approach Sontaran levels of handsomeness. Although not the handsomeness of my own Clone Batch, as I am sure you will agree, they are definitely the most attractive combatants so far.
This will be more singing and the Commander will choose the incorrect human for their team.
Commander Jessie seems to be irritated, as am I, but this looked for a few moments at least like it might break out into an actual fight. I became quite disinterested and accidentally set off a temporal displacement grenade. Technically, my right leg is now twelve seconds older than the rest of me.
Or will be, when I catch up with it.
I have noticed that Commander Will seems to take very little active part in his training montages. I find this curious. Certainly a good Commander takes personal responsibility for the training of his troops, and training is something a soldier undertakes in order to be more effective in the field. As much fun as it certainly is to throw yourself into combat heedless of personal risk and firing a random selection of grenades into the local geography, knowing how to do it without those grenades delivering a prematurely glorious death to your own squad mates is very important.
But now Commander Will's plan becomes evident. He has clearly been hard at work building these two into a fearsome pair of assassins. Certainly this song has not survived encountering them. Perhaps they are some form of terror weapon? They have forced Commander Jessie into retreat. Intriguing.
While I was waiting for my leg, I did some research using something called "eye-tunes". The name makes no sense. No one hears with their eyes. Well, the Conviviality of the Lighter Ee do. But they are not you, humans! The "eye-tunes" delivered the original version of this song. While of no significant military value, and (if I understand the term correctly) not much artistic merit, it certainly did not deserve what Liam and Jon did to it.
I have been informed that normally these things only last an hour. If I put aside the obvious value of this "Voice" as a tool for enhanced interrogations, I believe this is the ideal amount of time for it to last. This one will last twice as long because of something called "Eurovision", which happened last week. Apparently, "Eurovision" is in part a celebration of peace across a specific continental land mass which has so far lasted 50 years. I was appalled until I discovered that it is another singing contest which you humans use to delineate regional, political and cultural alliances, relive old rivalries and mock one another.
Excellent.
I shall start the second part now. I am a warrior of Sontar. If pitiful humans can watch all of this, I certainly can.
Commander Jessie is wearing a tactically inadvisable chestplate. His choices in uniform are a little...eccentric.
I am concerned. During this performance, my right leg developed what I must assume is further temporal instability and began to move rhythmically. This distressing condition quickly transmitted itself to the rest of my body and, quite involuntarily I assure you, I found myself travelling some way across the room. While the sensation was not unpleasant, and ended when the performance ceased, it is disturbing. I shall monitor myself for further symptoms.
I believe Commander Danny may have secured himself a tactical advantage by consulting with The Doctor about future events. I clearly heard him declare that Commander Will is unaware of what is to happen and has acted unwisely. Evidence suggests that it is unlikely one of the other Commanders has planned an ambush and I am almost certain that none of the participants in this "Voice" are trained warriors.
I have discovered the "fast forward" button.
Paul seems very aggressive. Dare I hope?
Interestingly, this song seems to be about humans having feelings for other humans. Given the inefficient way you have chosen to reproduce, and given the often bizarre reasons you have for selecting breeding partners, it seems strange that the idea of one human having feelings for another human would be troubling to you. Here, we have two humans apparently declaring feelings for one another in a quite aggressive fashion. I think that if you're going to have genders you should be much more pragmatic about how you allow other humans to conduct themselves in their partnership choices. It really is trivial when you compare it to organising the equipping and logistics of a thousand warriors in preparation for planetfall with the express intention of forcing the Rutan Horde to briefly adopt some form of face so you can wipe the smile off it.
Paul has equipped himself with some form of staff weapon and seems quite prepared to wield it. Excellent. He shows promise.
The onlookers too show some signs of proper values. They applaud Commander Tom for his age and experience, quite correctly. They recognise that he has survived a great many battles and has a wealth of guile and cunning to call on at will. It also means he is exceptionally hard to kill.
Sean is apparently distraught. Commander Danny, intervene and separate these two!
Commander Jessie is displeased with the rhythmic contribution of the onlookers and engages in an impromptu training session. She is far too lenient. A Force Cordon and a handful of cerebrotropic grenades and not one would escape punishment. Watch how the rest clap in formation after that!
I admit that my skill with this language is limited, but how is a nationally broadcast "entertainment" any form of "obscure situation", Commander Will?
See? Even the onlookers agree! Commander Tom, the only course of action that makes sense is that you immediately recall all your previous choices and execute the weakest of them so that Colin can continue!
I am appalled. I am shocked. Commander Tom chose what I consider to be a seminal, if not defining album by Muse, selected perhaps the best song on that album and then watched as two talented humans gave their very best, their all, to a performance that put the entire building on it's feet and one of them must be punished for this greatness? Absurd. Commander Tom, I shall lend you my prized Oblivioject 5000 pistol. It has barely any recoil, is practically soundless and you could dispatch Mike before he or anyone else knew anything was happening.
I apologise for this outburst. I have spent entirely too much money on "eye-tunes" and entirely too much time watching this "Voice". And possibly too much time on Earth.
But Colin should still have gone through.
While they sing - I have little interest in how they do this - I wish to note something. Obviously, Humans have a pathetic short term memory. The shapeshifter you have employed to herd the contestants - why does it swap between the two forms? - has repeatedly informed me that none of the Commanders have any "steals" left. I am quite capable of understanding this information after only one briefing.
Also, I think I have divined Commander Will's strategy. Commander Will has repeatedly forced the other Commanders to sacrifice combatants they consider valuable while he himself has managed to offload several lesser talents. He is engaged in making the other Commanders suffer a death of a thousand cuts, while his own force loses nothing of value.
Commander Danny has not grasped this, nor has he grasped the nature of battle. He is repeating the phrase "No losers", but in this he is wrong. It is the nature of warfare to divide the battlefield into those who have won and those who have lost. Failure to grasp this important fact, and to understand the nature of sacrifice, will cost Commander Danny dearly in the long term.
And that is all I am prepared to watch. No more of this.
Strax out.
I had hoped that I would be able to do this on video, much as I have my field reports to Sontar but this pathetic human lacks the technology! So I am reduced to blogging. At first I was quite hopeful because blogging does at least sound like a small unit maneuver designed to maximise firepower and agility but it turns out this is actually about recording one's opinions of inconsequential matters in text.
I have been convinced to view something called "The Voice", on the basis that the opinions of a Sontaran warrior are much more interesting and relevant than those of a human. I concur, so I shall watch this "Voice". I am informed that the "Voice" has progressed to something called the "Battle Rounds", and already I find myself anticipating what might come.
I have examined several reference works for the 21st century and can find no indication that humans have decided to use sonic weaponry for anything other than non-lethal uses, so one wonders what sort of battle we will see. However, I am reassured that the 21st century is moderately inventive when it comes to weapons technology and one of the previews shows a skinny human making his fists explode, evidently with great satisfaction, so there may be hope for human civilisation yet.
Within moments of this entertainment starting, I have to note that this is some form of gladiatorial combat. Four judges, none of them wearing a sensible amount of armour, sit between the combat space and the audience. It seems a rather small battlefield. Perhaps they will focus on hand to hand combat - something at which we Sontarans excel - at the expense of the often more creative medium to long range fighting.
Ricardo vs Mitchell
I see, we are introduced to the combatants as a way of building our understanding of their prowess. Yes. This makes sense. How else would the audience know what is at stake? And here we see a seasoned veteran against a young warrior; this is a classic test of skill against untutored talent. The veteran has years of experience to draw upon for stratagems and tactics, whereas the new warrior can only hope to do something unorthodox. Clearly they have chosen to open the bloodshed with a senseless death in order to demonstrate the value of training. I approve.
Why are they singing?
Clearly this is a pre-battle ritual, designed to heighten the martial spirit and whet the bloodlust as one might sharpen a blade. So; they sing, they posture and then they fight.
No. No, it seems they simply sing. I was patient through the singing because I expected at least a mild lasering, but they have declared a winner without there being even a scrap of glory!
At least I now understand the role of the four humans in the big chairs. These are clearly Commanders. And there, Commander Will has indicated that he too favours the advantages of a seasoned warrior over one who is newly cloned. I sense some shreds of tactical sense in Commander Will, thus far the only human worth paying attention to.
Apparently this is the first battle of the evening. There are to be several more. There had better be some actual battle or I shall hunt this competition down.
Emma vs Mike
I am informed that this preliminary footage is called a "training montage". It is obligatory. Aha! Now the commentator says that this will be a "shoot-out", although the battle arena is very small. One might sustain a firefight for only a few moments if the weapons are reasonably accurate and the participants properly trained. No one seems to be wearing battle armour, a decision I believe they will soon come to regret.
No. It is more singing.
I am heartened that at least this time it sounds like the participants are in some form of pain.
I have heard the sound the boy Emma is making before. I believe I was on Dedlocere, when the 5th pushed an entire Rutan legion into retreat. My platoon commander's drop pod landed on an example of the local wildlife - it was long, thin and had many dorsal spines. It made a very similar noise before it expired. We did not regret its passing. It was an otherwise excellent day. There were many deaths.
I am informed that this style of singing is called "Country". Indeed. If this is what happens in the county I am not surprised that so many humans live in cities.
Letitia vs Alex
According to the training montage, these two have displeased their Commander. And one of them plans to ignore her commands. Why, then, are they unpunished? Humans do not believe in proper discipline. If not for the continued presence of The Doctor, you would have been crushed a very long time ago. And may still be!As expected, this is more noise. I am given to understand that this is singing. Humans should learn that the proper prelude to actual action is a good, well voiced "Sontar-HA!" and then you attempt to empty the ammunition clip of your weapon into the enemy as quickly and accurately as possible. What I am hearing now resembles that in no way at all. Letitia has promise. He seems much more of a warrior than this Alex. I would equip him with a squad support weapon and allow him to be the anchor point for a fighting formation. He could certainly make himself heard over the roar of battle. Yes, I believe I am right. Letitia should win, and wield a fusion lance while his voice is employed to chant a calming litany of fire and maneuver orders.
Commander Will seems to agree with me, and indeed Letitia is the victor but not for any sensible military reason. And now the Commanders are fighting over Alex. Why?
Diva vs Joseph
Commander Tom is correct; in a battle against a numerically superior force, the numerically inferior are much more likely to experience a glorious death. In terms of morale, the two humans working as a team seem to have the better fighting spirit while this Joseph seems quite intimidated. This is valuable. Have I stumbled upon the reason that Humans are not as easy to conquer as is often expected? Are you using popular entertainment to secretly instill martial wisdom into your population?
No. This is more singing. I feel the nature of this contest has been badly misrepresented.
Interestingly, Joseph's voice is so powerful that it has forced water from his Commander's eyes. If humans have been secretly engineering themselves to become natural sonic weapons, that might go some way to explaining this..this...this.
Commander Tom will now make the tactically correct choice and select the numerically superior force, since they were unaffected by Joseph's sonic assault (indicating perhaps a natural resistance and presented the proper martial attitude and desire for combat. The advantage of a ranged weapon can be overcome with numbers, as so many Sontaran dead have repeatedly taught the Rutan horde!
No, he has selected Joseph because of his range. I do not understand. I am heartened, however, because at last the human race has produced three individuals who approach Sontaran levels of handsomeness. Although not the handsomeness of my own Clone Batch, as I am sure you will agree, they are definitely the most attractive combatants so far.
Abi vs Laura
This will be more singing and the Commander will choose the incorrect human for their team.
Commander Jessie seems to be irritated, as am I, but this looked for a few moments at least like it might break out into an actual fight. I became quite disinterested and accidentally set off a temporal displacement grenade. Technically, my right leg is now twelve seconds older than the rest of me.
Or will be, when I catch up with it.
Liam vs Jon
I have noticed that Commander Will seems to take very little active part in his training montages. I find this curious. Certainly a good Commander takes personal responsibility for the training of his troops, and training is something a soldier undertakes in order to be more effective in the field. As much fun as it certainly is to throw yourself into combat heedless of personal risk and firing a random selection of grenades into the local geography, knowing how to do it without those grenades delivering a prematurely glorious death to your own squad mates is very important.
But now Commander Will's plan becomes evident. He has clearly been hard at work building these two into a fearsome pair of assassins. Certainly this song has not survived encountering them. Perhaps they are some form of terror weapon? They have forced Commander Jessie into retreat. Intriguing.
While I was waiting for my leg, I did some research using something called "eye-tunes". The name makes no sense. No one hears with their eyes. Well, the Conviviality of the Lighter Ee do. But they are not you, humans! The "eye-tunes" delivered the original version of this song. While of no significant military value, and (if I understand the term correctly) not much artistic merit, it certainly did not deserve what Liam and Jon did to it.
The Half Way Point
I have been informed that normally these things only last an hour. If I put aside the obvious value of this "Voice" as a tool for enhanced interrogations, I believe this is the ideal amount of time for it to last. This one will last twice as long because of something called "Eurovision", which happened last week. Apparently, "Eurovision" is in part a celebration of peace across a specific continental land mass which has so far lasted 50 years. I was appalled until I discovered that it is another singing contest which you humans use to delineate regional, political and cultural alliances, relive old rivalries and mock one another.
Excellent.
I shall start the second part now. I am a warrior of Sontar. If pitiful humans can watch all of this, I certainly can.
Lem vs Trevor
Commander Jessie is wearing a tactically inadvisable chestplate. His choices in uniform are a little...eccentric.
I am concerned. During this performance, my right leg developed what I must assume is further temporal instability and began to move rhythmically. This distressing condition quickly transmitted itself to the rest of my body and, quite involuntarily I assure you, I found myself travelling some way across the room. While the sensation was not unpleasant, and ended when the performance ceased, it is disturbing. I shall monitor myself for further symptoms.
I believe Commander Danny may have secured himself a tactical advantage by consulting with The Doctor about future events. I clearly heard him declare that Commander Will is unaware of what is to happen and has acted unwisely. Evidence suggests that it is unlikely one of the other Commanders has planned an ambush and I am almost certain that none of the participants in this "Voice" are trained warriors.
Alys vs Lareena
I have discovered the "fast forward" button.
Paul vs Sean
Paul seems very aggressive. Dare I hope?
Interestingly, this song seems to be about humans having feelings for other humans. Given the inefficient way you have chosen to reproduce, and given the often bizarre reasons you have for selecting breeding partners, it seems strange that the idea of one human having feelings for another human would be troubling to you. Here, we have two humans apparently declaring feelings for one another in a quite aggressive fashion. I think that if you're going to have genders you should be much more pragmatic about how you allow other humans to conduct themselves in their partnership choices. It really is trivial when you compare it to organising the equipping and logistics of a thousand warriors in preparation for planetfall with the express intention of forcing the Rutan Horde to briefly adopt some form of face so you can wipe the smile off it.
Paul has equipped himself with some form of staff weapon and seems quite prepared to wield it. Excellent. He shows promise.
The onlookers too show some signs of proper values. They applaud Commander Tom for his age and experience, quite correctly. They recognise that he has survived a great many battles and has a wealth of guile and cunning to call on at will. It also means he is exceptionally hard to kill.
Sean is apparently distraught. Commander Danny, intervene and separate these two!
Emily vs Moni
I have a serious question about Commander Will. Since these are apparently both capable of singing, and since this is apparently a skill humans value, why does he waste talent on what is almost certainly a horrible song? Humans reading this are encouraged to question Commander Will's motives. I believe he may be hunting down and killing songs he does not like by making other humans sing them so badly no one will ever want to hear them again.Commander Jessie is displeased with the rhythmic contribution of the onlookers and engages in an impromptu training session. She is far too lenient. A Force Cordon and a handful of cerebrotropic grenades and not one would escape punishment. Watch how the rest clap in formation after that!
I admit that my skill with this language is limited, but how is a nationally broadcast "entertainment" any form of "obscure situation", Commander Will?
Ragsy vs Colin
Clearly both of these humans should crush all opposition. So many weak opponents have paraded themselves before my eyes over the course of this "Voice" and these two are the only ones worthy of any form of praise. Why are the others allowed to continue? Can we not force Moni to cede his place to Colin? And if not that, can he at least be forced to wrestle a Drashig?See? Even the onlookers agree! Commander Tom, the only course of action that makes sense is that you immediately recall all your previous choices and execute the weakest of them so that Colin can continue!
I am appalled. I am shocked. Commander Tom chose what I consider to be a seminal, if not defining album by Muse, selected perhaps the best song on that album and then watched as two talented humans gave their very best, their all, to a performance that put the entire building on it's feet and one of them must be punished for this greatness? Absurd. Commander Tom, I shall lend you my prized Oblivioject 5000 pistol. It has barely any recoil, is practically soundless and you could dispatch Mike before he or anyone else knew anything was happening.
I apologise for this outburst. I have spent entirely too much money on "eye-tunes" and entirely too much time watching this "Voice". And possibly too much time on Earth.
But Colin should still have gone through.
Karl vs Nadeem
These two have apparently "been through the Wars", so we shall finally hear what a Human combat veteran sounds like. As I have indicated, singing has little military value (although I am prepared to believe that Colin and Ragsy in duet might have strategic value), but these two opponents have at least recognised that this "Voice" is a competition and that losses must be suffered.While they sing - I have little interest in how they do this - I wish to note something. Obviously, Humans have a pathetic short term memory. The shapeshifter you have employed to herd the contestants - why does it swap between the two forms? - has repeatedly informed me that none of the Commanders have any "steals" left. I am quite capable of understanding this information after only one briefing.
Also, I think I have divined Commander Will's strategy. Commander Will has repeatedly forced the other Commanders to sacrifice combatants they consider valuable while he himself has managed to offload several lesser talents. He is engaged in making the other Commanders suffer a death of a thousand cuts, while his own force loses nothing of value.
Commander Danny has not grasped this, nor has he grasped the nature of battle. He is repeating the phrase "No losers", but in this he is wrong. It is the nature of warfare to divide the battlefield into those who have won and those who have lost. Failure to grasp this important fact, and to understand the nature of sacrifice, will cost Commander Danny dearly in the long term.
And that is all I am prepared to watch. No more of this.
Strax out.
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